Is it the alteration of the physical or the mental that changes my life?

I had life-altering surgery today.  

or did I?

We tried having kids a few years back, even did fertility treatments.  We said we'd do 3... we did 2, and held out for the 'right time' to do the third.  I think, even then, that we didn't *really*want to be parents.  So, instead of doing the last treatment, we just stayed off birth control, and let the chips fall where they may.  

I never saw myself as a mom, even when I was younger.  I think the only reason we tried to have kids was because we thought that's what we were supposed to do - the next milestone in being an 'adult'.  Maybe I would have been a good mom, maybe I might have even enjoyed it, but... knowing myself as I do, I sincerely doubt it.  

Today, I underwent a procedure that has the side effect of infertility.  Game over.  No more 'trying', no more 'letting the chips fall where they may'.. no nothing.  I didn't want kids, didn't seem to be able to have kids, but there is a psychological finality to it being physically impossible to conceive.  There really isn't a way to prepare for that - I feel a loss, a need to grieve, even though it was something I didn't really want, and never really had to begin with, and that's a cognitive dissonance I don't know how to reconcile quite yet.